The number one concern that women bring up in sex therapy/sex and relationship coaching is low libido. Often women will attribute this problem to a variety of different factors: being too tired, overly stressed, overwhelmed with the demands of work, burnt out from the daily tasks of raising kids, sick of the never-ending cycle of household duties, not enough time in the day, and the list goes on and on. And yes, although these things are certainly valid and can sometimes play a role in low desire, believe it or not, it’s not the main reason women don’t want to have sex. So if it’s not those things, then what is it?
The number one culprit for a woman’s low desire is simply that she is NOT getting her core desires met! Within this one reason, there are plenty of nuanced points we can examine and unpack, but basically the root of it comes down to unmet and unfulfilled desires. Think about it for a moment: why would someone want to have sex, if the sex is not really worth having? Particularly in this fast-paced society we live in, where women ARE tired, they ARE stressed, they ARE overworked and overwhelmed, the gal is going to need some incentive, right? Especially in long term relationships where couples have been together for years, the sex can become, let’s face it, boring! You can predict the location (usually the bedroom), you can predict the time of day, you can predict the length of the encounter; in fact, you can even predict the exact routine from start to finish. He’s going to brush his teeth and come out of the bathroom wearing this, he’s going to start out by kissing me and then touching me here, then after 4 minutes he will move to that spot.
The sequence of events are x, y, z – same old, same old. Let me put it this way, even if your favorite meal in the world is spaghetti and meatballs, getting served spaghetti and meatballs EVERYDAY for the rest of your life would get dull and boring over time, no? So much so, that if you were to see that dish on the table in front of you, even ONE more time, you may no longer feel hungry at all! Are you with me? On the flip side, what if you knew that you had something exciting waiting for you upstairs on a Saturday night – something new and fun, unpredictable and enticing that would ignite your fire and restore your soul? In that case, you may just find the energy and motivation for sex after all! If you knew without a doubt that the experience awaiting you would be regenerating and rewarding, even if you were tired or stressed, I bet you dollars to donuts you would be much more inclined to sample a taste of that yummy new meal, right? In my next blog post we will dive into “Core Desires.” How to identify yours and, more importantly, how to get those core desires met by your partner and vice versa. When you can be assured that there is more than just spaghetti and meatballs on the menu, the chances of getting your appetite back are much higher. You are far more likely to want to come to the table to enjoy that delicious meal! It really just comes down to expanding the erotic menu, and awakening your sexual taste buds!
